My husband was addicted to porn for 20 years

Actress, producer, singer and speaker Rebecca King-Crews is also the wife of actor and former NFL player, Terry Crews. Here Rebecca talks to Premier Gospel’s Ibe Otah about dealing with cancer and her husband’s porn addiction

What was your first impression when you first met Terry? Well, Terry was a friend of a friend at church. It soon became apparent that they were trying to fix us up, and we were both like: “Hey, we’re cool. Neither of us are trying to date right now.” Little by little, as our friendship grew, I began to really think he might be the one. But then we were still stuck in the friend zone. Finally one night, he asked me on like a date. I think that was the first time he and I both felt there was something kind of magical. That was the night he told me: “I don’t know what God has for us, Becky, but I’m willing.”

I remember I just went: “OK” and shut the door, sat down on my bed going: “I am not gonna marry this little boy.” He’s two years younger than me and I was already a mom (my little girl was nine months old when I met him.) But he had such drive, such goals and such a pure spirit. And he loved my kid, too. So, in the course of time, we did counselling and we just believed it was the right time and place. We got married in July of 1989. 

So you’ve been married for over 30 years. What would you say is the key to a long-lasting marriage? Marry the person you think has the same kind of gifting, calling and purpose that you have. In other words, if you don’t want kids and they do, that’s a big deal breaker. I meet people all the time that are married, but they’re in warfare constantly because they do not have a purpose that they feel is together. Even if you have different occupations, or you have different sets of skills, there still needs to be a vision for the two of you.

Then, pull off all the blinders about whatever you see. Love can make you feel like people are perfect when they’re not right. It’s important to know what you have. If you have a guy who’s a little messy, you need to accept that he’s a little messy. Even if you want him to be neater.

We can’t go making personal projects out of our spouses 

We can’t go making personal projects out of our spouses. It’s not fair to ask someone to undermine everything they are to be your spouse. And then once you’re into the development of the relationship, please do premarital counselling so you can hash out these issues. Once you have committed yourself, don’t back out at the first sign of trouble. 

I think I was a very intimidating person when my husband met me. I felt like: “Hey, I’m an actress. I’m doing this, I’m doing that and if you want to marry me, you’ve got to come into my life.” Then the Lord said: “Rebecca, I’m going to have you go a little different way.” So I went into housewife mode, raised the family, supported my husband. And then I looked up and I was 40. I said: “Well, God, what about me?” He said: “It’s time.”

Then things fell into place. So you have to be willing to give up some things occasionally. When I was raising kids, he was earning all the money. When he was in school, I was earning all the money. 

It takes a lot of faith, and a lot of wisdom to make a marriage. We have always sought advice from older couples, from counsellors, pastors, teachers. You don’t go this alone. God has us in community to help each other, encourage each other, strengthen each other. 

You’ve been through some huge challenges in your marriage – could you tell us about them? My husband had a porn addiction from the time he was about ten years old. It was an addiction that he would quit for a while and then he’d go back to. It was a complete secret. Of course, it created a wedge in the marriage. Because whenever someone is doing something they have shame about they’re mad at themselves, and they take it out on you.

So all I knew was that my husband was being a jerk. I didn’t know it was this. He didn’t drink. He didn’t smoke. Didn’t do drugs. He wasn’t even a party guy. So you can imagine my shock when he told me what it was 20 years into our marriage. I basically was of the opinion: “I don’t even know who you are, so we’re done. You just lied to me for the last 20 years.” 

He didn’t drink. He didn’t smoke. Didn’t do drugs. He wasn’t even a party guy

When it all came to light and I left him, he repented. This man who never shared a weakness with anybody checked himself into rehab for 14 days, and sat there with total strangers and revealed all these issues and his pain. He came home a very different person. I remember thinking: “I don’t know who you are. First, you were the sweet boyfriend, then you became the ogre. Now, you’re this ball of tears, because all this stuff’s coming out.”

It was challenging, but God was with us. He walked both of us through that dark valley. And throughout it, he taught me patience. He said to me one day: “What would you have done in his shoes, Rebecca? You’re away from home all the time, and you’re lonely.” There was a compassion that grew inside me as I began to understand it. 

We mended through sharing our experiences, sharing our trauma, a lot of reading, a lot of work, a lot of talking, a lot of crying. In the middle of that, there were many times when we wanted to leave each other. He had moments where he was like: “This is too painful; I can’t do this.” I was like: “I’m the one you stabbed in the heart, you know”, but he always prayed for me to know that he was sincere. And something in my heart kept telling me: “Give him a chance.” The biggest thing that I have to say about that whole situation was that God saved me. He forgave me for all the no-good stuff I did before I walked with him.

How could I not forgive somebody who let me down, but was genuinely sorry – enough to go make some changes? To give him a shot at proving he could be trusted? And that has been our journey. It’s been 13 years since all of that happened, and we have built more of our lives together since then.

How have you navigated cancer with your faith?  It was one of those things that, of course, you never see coming. I had had a physical [full health check] two years before, but skipped the previous year. Then this year, I just kept getting this feeling to go check everything. So I went for the mammogram and they didn’t see anything. But nine years prior, I had had a benign lump removed. They had said it’s a growth called a radial scar. One in four radial scars will turn to cancer so they told me that every time I did a mammogram, I should also have an ultrasound. So when the lady didn’t see anything on my mammogram, I said: “Hey, I’m supposed to have an ultrasound.” Sure enough, on the ultrasound, the lady found a growth. We went back to the mammogram machine; she magnified the lens and saw it.

I began to visualise my body, saying to God: “If there’s cancer anywhere else, I’m asking you to shrivel it up and kill it”

As they biopsied me, I heard what I feel was God say to me: “Rebecca, if there’s anything there, cut it off. Don’t play. Remove it. If there’s chemo, take the chemo.” I still did not have a concern that it was going to be a positive test. I got the call from the doctor the next day that it was stage one cancer. And right there, it felt like somebody just put steel in my spine. I put the phone down and said: “OK Lord, here we go.” And in the middle of that I had a vision. I saw this door, almost like Alice in Wonderland, this little door, like a rabbit hole. I saw sunlight on the other side. And I saw myself squeezing through this little door and coming out into the sunshine. Like I’m going to be OK. 

I booked my surgery for 3 March 2020 and they removed the lump. Thank God, there was no cancer in my lymph nodes, no cancer spread. I had complete reconstruction [following a double mastectomy]. So I am celebrating three years cancer free. Yeah, it was it was hard; I’m not going to diminish it. When I did some fasting and prayer I began to visualise my body, saying to God: “If there’s cancer anywhere else, I’m asking you to shrivel it up and kill it. And I’m asking that when I get out from surgery, they will tell me that I’m cancer free.” And that was what I got, so I was very thankful. 

This interview was conducted by Ibe Otah from Premier Gospel and is on YouTube here

Follow Rebecca on Instagram: therealrebeccakingcrews

Rebecca also has a clothing line: rebeccacrews.com  

Together, Rebecca and Terry have authored a book about the challenges they have faced called Stronger Together.