A Woman Alive contributor shares her painful story of abuse from her parents as a young child, and how subsequently she was healed and restored by Jesus.
Please note, this story contains sensitive content that some might find difficult to read. If you have been affected by any of the things discussed in this article, Premier Lifeline is ready to support you.
About fifteen years ago I had a problem with my pastor. I sought advice from the pastor’s mentor. As he listened to me, he said that he believed that the effect of the things I was telling him was about much more than a problem with the pastor.
He didn’t know me, but he felt there was something in my past that was making me react the way I was and that God wanted to heal me. He suggested that I took some time and ask the Holy Spirt to reveal anything he wanted to do in my life.
It was then that God began healing me of the trauma of the abuse I had suffered as a child.
I was born into a non-Christian family where my parents wanted only one child. My sister, several years older than me, was everything they wanted.
Just after my third birthday I woke to my parents fighting outside my bedroom door, not unusual but always frightening..
Just after my third birthday I woke to my parents fighting outside my bedroom door, not unusual but always frightening. The clarity and age is very clear to me. I know how old I was as we had moved house by the time I was four and my first memory was definitely in our old house.
I remember my mother screaming at my dad that he ‘wasn’t having her’. My door flew open I was scooped out of my bed and taken to my parents’ room where I was raped for the first time. The words ‘you should have died when you were meant to, now you are ours and you will pay,’ were said to me many times after that.
I was to learn later that when Dad found out Mother was pregnant with me, he threw her down stairs and kicked her in an attempt to cause a miscarriage. From that day on, I experienced repeated abuse.
From that day on, I experienced repeated abuse.
From the age of five, I began to be taken to my parents ‘meetings’. It is now clear they were in some form of satanic group, where the abuse continued, having to be part of rituals and to gratify the demands of the group’s members. The physical pain was awful but the words and things I was subjected to were probably the most damaging.
Mum and Dad still took me to the meetings even after they divorced when I was nine but less regularly. It was after my 13th birthday, Dad died and things changed. No more meetings! It was another world, no threats, nothing said. I quickly disassociated with that life and began living a more normal life,
A year after Dad died, Grandma died. This was awful as she was the one person I knew I was safe with.
Mum became increasingly depressed. My sister had left home. It was just me to care for Mother. Frequently she would get drunk and threaten suicide or even take an overdose. One day, I found a note with a date and details of her planned suicide. I told a teacher about it. Next thing I knew I was given a social worker. He was the first person I spoke to about my home life but I never mentioned the past abuse. I had completely blocked it out.
Two days after my 15th birthday my mother made the planned attempt on her life and was nearly successful, being sectioned and taken into hospital. I was placed in foster care.
My mother was not approachable on the subject of the abuse and only ever talked of my dad negatively in the way he was with her. She would never accept the impact they both had on my life. I do believe that some of her memories were impaired due to her having electric shock treatment after her suicide attempt.
While I was in foster care, there was one week of the school summer holidays when the family couldn’t have me. I was offered to go to various activity holidays, or a Christian camp. I chose a Christian camp. I knew Grandma had been a Christian and she was a safe person so surely a Christian camp must be safe.
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During that week I saw a joy about some of the girls that I wanted. I spoke to a leader who shared Revelation 3 v 20: ‘Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.’
I realised I had a choice, not something I had had when I was chained up or locked in places. I could choose to open the door or keep it shut, I chose to open it to receive Jesus as my saviour.
As you can imagine I have had many issues as a result of the abuse. I’d always lacked confidence, blaming myself for anything that went wrong. I had a really negative view of myself, and as a result had an eating disorder for over ten years. I felt I hurt everyone around me, I wanted to disappear so that I couldn’t hurt anyone anymore. It has been hard. It took until I was in my 50s’s to face my childhood but I can honestly say, by God’s grace I am now free!
The shame has gone, the emotional pain has gone, God has done it all! It has all been left at the foot of the cross. I have recently celebrated forty years of marriage to my amazing, gentle, godly husband. Together we run a life group in our church and have helped start a 24/7 prayer room. The words I carry in my heart today are from Isaiah 61 v 3: ‘He will give a crown of beauty for ashes a joyous blessing instead of mourning.’
If any of these issues have affected you, you can call Premier Lifeline for support. Premier Lifeline is a national, confidential helpline offering a listening ear, emotional and spiritual support from a Christian perspective. If you would like someone to talk with and pray for you, call Premier Lifeline on 0300 111 0101.
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