Embracing hospitality

Let’s be clear: I am no Nigella. Nor am I a Delia, a Pru, a Jamie nor any other kind of chef. I genuinely have no idea how some people whip up a cake or throw together a meal for ten guests. I know we can’t all be gifted at everything but, in truth, as a pastor’s wife, I used to feel a bit inadequate in the hospitality department. That was until a memorable trip to a mission partner in South Africa, where two elderly women living in incredibly challenging circumstances demonstrated the most authentic, generous and joyful welcome imaginable. 

They may not have had any real furniture, but as they shared songs, laughter and a precious mango from their tree with me, I determined that people would always be welcome in our home. After all, hospitality is not supposed to be about impressing people but rather sharing what we have to cultivate a place of belonging, warmth and welcome. But working out how to do this without it becoming a stress-fest, and without our daughters getting entirely the wrong impression about a woman’s place in the home, has been a bit of a balancing act. Here is what I’ve learned.

Relate more; stress less 

Now, while the biblical account of Mary and Martha’s different perspectives when hosting Jesus has much wisdom to teach us (Luke 10:38-42), I just have to say: we see you Martha! She was a busy woman, and we know it takes effort and sometimes sacrifice to be hospitable. Preparing rooms, buying and making food, and vacuuming if possible. It certainly hasn’t always been convenient or easy for me, and I’ve accepted that serving shop-bought cake or my distinctive smoky (burned) chilli is fine! In fact, quite often beans on toast or a cuppa in the kitchen are all that is required. So, when the stress eclipses spending time with people…it’s time to be more Mary. As a mother of daughters, I have always encouraged the girls to be part of the conversation, the fun and the relating. Yes, they often helped, but I didn’t want them to feel they were reduced to being extra kitchen staff. Not every guest was easy, but rather than resent hospitality, I wanted them to learn from others and to enjoy it where possible. Of course, if there were board games, garden meals or fancy-dress parties – all the better! Hospitality may sometimes be a sacrifice, but it should not always feel like a chore.

Playing to your strengths

Being hospitable is a great opportunity to truly be yourself in your home and to allow others to do the same. Just as I learned to play to my strengths (a few well-worn dishes, and pudding parties where others bring the puddings!), our daughters would bring their skills to the party too. One of them is a natural raconteur and would merrily keep people entertained with her anecdotes and musical gifts. The other is all about the aesthetics and would happily fold napkins into origami (for any occasion or none) and put up themed decorations for every party and season of the year. They would both get stuck into creating music playlists or quizzes when needed. In this way, they felt part of the occasion, welcoming others using their special abilities. We all bring something to the table – it’s worth playing to our strengths and delegating the rest if possible!  

Homes as safe spaces 

One thing you learn in a ministry family is that life can be very hard. Our home was (and is) a safe place where it is OK for people to not be OK. It isn’t easy for children to have to scarper and make space for somebody who has just discovered their spouse is having an affair or who has just been bereaved. But our daughters have been impressed by and learned from the resilience and courage of those who have faced significant challenges. One dear friend came for dinner weekly for a couple of years following her marriage breakdown; for quite some time the girls would hand her tissues over whatever concoction I’d served up for dinner that night. She always brought a treat for dessert and the girls loved being with her. Years later, we attended and participated in her wedding to her now husband. It is in the sharing of real life and not just our best-church-face that relationships are formed. Before people leave, we have often prayed for them, giving thanks for our time together. What a privilege it is to share life with others.

If our home felt more invaded than enhanced by hospitality, then the boundaries needed to be redrawn again

Boundaries rather than walls

While hospitality is a blessing, we are all in different circumstances and in various seasons of life. While one person might be able to consider fostering or adopting, for example, another would only be able to host a picnic in the park as they are renting a room in a shared house. We need to understand what we can and can’t do for many reasons. As a parent, I realised if I was too busy to help with homework, to listen to the breakup story or to eat a family meal together uninterrupted, then I was simply too busy. If our home felt more invaded than enhanced by hospitality, then the boundaries needed to be redrawn again. We had many guests for Sunday lunch, but the girls were allowed to leave after dessert to go and watch TV or do homework. Seasons change, and therefore the needs of children (and parents) will change. That said, while we may need realistic boundaries to rest or recalibrate, let’s not maintain walls that keep others out. I’m increasingly certain of this: hospitality is an underrated ministry that could do with a resurgence in an increasingly isolated world. You really don’t have to be a chef or to live in a mansion to create a space where friends, guests and family can share meaningful times of faith, hope and love (and cake!) around the table together.